Museum Label
upload any object. get a deadpan placard. download to share.
Drop a photo of any object
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good photos in, great placards out
Fill the frame. The bigger the object, the more detail Claude has to riff on — chips, wear, scratches all become "evidence."
Plain background. A wood table, a white wall, a kitchen counter. Less clutter means a sharper read.
Soft, even light beats flash. Window light at midday is perfect. Skip the harsh shadows.
Stuck for ideas? Try one of these.
how it works
Claude Vision reads what's in your photo, then a deadpan-curator system prompt rewrites it as a museum placard in the style you picked. Photos are sent only to generate the response — nothing is stored on the server.
decode the placard
Real museums and auction houses run on a tight vocabulary. Here's what the recurring terms actually mean — so the parody hits harder when you spot them.
Acc. No.
Accession NumberThe museum's unique catalog ID. Format is usually year.batch.item — so 1985.227.4 is the fourth object in acquisition lot 227, taken in 1985.
Every Met label has one tucked in the bottom corner. Ours invent plausible ones.
Attributed to
Confidence ladderA graded scale: by → attributed to → workshop of → school of → after → in the manner of. Each step downgrades how sure scholars are about the maker.
"School of Florence" means same period and place — but no one thinks Botticelli touched it.
ca.
Circa — approximatelyUsed when the date is uncertain but provable to within a few years. Stronger than "Late 18th Century," weaker than a hard date.
"ca. 1665" tells you we're sure within a decade — not the exact year.
Provenance
The chain of custodyEvery owner the object has had, in order. Long, clean provenance raises value; gaps raise eyebrows. Auction houses lean on it heavily.
"Thence by descent" = stayed in one family across generations.
Stratum
Archaeological layerA horizontal layer in a dig, each one corresponding to a historical period. Lower = older. Field catalogs reference strata to date a find.
"Recovered from Layer III" places the object in a specific era of the site.
Recto / verso
Front / backThe two sides of a flat object — paintings, drawings, manuscripts, coins. Used so curators can specify which side a feature appears on without ambiguity.
"Verso: artist's signature in pencil" — signed on the back.
Lot & Estimate
Auction-house onlyLot is the item being sold; estimate is the house's expected price range. Below the estimate sits a private reserve — the minimum the seller will accept.
"Lot 47 · Estimate $40,000–$60,000" — Christie's catalog format.
Patina
Aged surfaceDiscoloration, oxidation, and wear that builds up on metal, wood, or stone over time. Real placards prize it as proof of age — strip it off and the value drops.
"Solid brass with patinated highlights" = a fancy way to say "old and tarnished."
Now scroll the example outputs below — every "Acc. No.", "ca.", and "American School" is doing real curatorial work, just in service of a joke.
the translation
Every great placard is a small act of translation. The object hasn't changed — just how you describe it has. Here's the trick, six ways.
"It got scuffed."
Surface bearing significant evidence of historical use.
the moveDamage becomes documentation. Wear is the only proof an object was ever held — once you name it, it stops being a flaw and starts being a record.
"They made a million of these."
Exemplar of late industrial democracy.
the moveGeneric becomes exemplary. The very fact something was mass-produced gets rebranded as its scholarly point — the object is no longer cheap, it's representative.
"No idea who made it."
Attributed to a regional workshop.
the moveAnonymous becomes a school. A whole tradition sounds more important than one forgotten maker — and there's nobody to disprove it.
"The colors faded."
Soft passage of time across the pigment field.
the moveDecay becomes poetry. Time is reframed as the second artist on every old object — co-author, not vandal.
"Found it in the basement."
Recently recovered from a domestic stratum.
the moveStorage becomes archaeology. "Under the stairs" is renamed Layer III, and suddenly the object has a dig site.
"It's a toaster."
Vessel for the controlled application of thermal energy.
the moveFunction becomes ritual. Every appliance is a ceremony once you describe it slowly enough and refuse to use the brand name.
Run a placard through this filter and you'll see the same six moves on repeat. The object is just the prop — the prestige is in the verbs.
example outputs
Cylindrical Vessel for Heated Beverage Conveyance
Unknown Artisan, American Mass-Production School, ca. 2019
This remarkably preserved example of domestic ceramic culture reflects the ergonomic concerns and caffeine dependencies of its era. The slightly chipped rim suggests frequent, possibly anxious, use — evidence of a civilization at once productive and deeply tired. The handle, a structural masterstroke, permitted single-handed operation while the other hand presumably managed a device of equal cultural significance.
Acc. No. 2024.331.07
Compression Engine / Binding Instrument No. 12
Anonymous, American Office School
In its relentless act of union — steel puncturing paper, forcing disparate sheets into a single bound existence — the work interrogates the violence of administrative consensus. We are all, the artist suggests, stapled together whether we wish it or not. The missing staples signify absence, loss, the perpetual need to refill what has been consumed by the machinery of modern life.
Acc. No. 2024.118.43
Polybutton Command Relay, Domestic Broadcast Type
Recovered from residential stratum, North American suburban context, c. 2010–2015
Recovered from beneath couch cushion stratum (Layer III), consistent with patterns of domestic displacement observed across multiple North American excavation sites. Button wear analysis indicates heavy use of the volume increment and channel advance functions, with the INPUT selector exhibiting near-pristine condition — suggesting this civilization had long since surrendered hope of successfully switching inputs. Further analysis pending.
Acc. No. 2024.209.88
The Anatid Cipher: Meditations in Yellow
Anonymous Mass-Production Genius, Late Industrial Era, ca. 2018–2024
In this work, the artist confronts the most fundamental tensions of the human condition: buoyancy and gravity, joy and surveillance, the public bath and the private soul. The duck — for it is a duck, and yet so much more — is at once a child's plaything and a sentinel of domestic ritual. To submerge it is to participate in a centuries-old aquatic liturgy; to watch it rise again is to witness resurrection. Future generations will likely place the rubber duck alongside the wheel and the printing press in any honest catalogue of civilization-altering objects.
Acc. No. 2024.412.01
Property of a Distinguished Northern California Estate: A Brass Door Handle, Late 20th Century
American School, Probably East Bay or Peninsula
A rare and exceptional example of mid-to-late 20th century American hardware, this brass door handle bears the unmistakable warmth of decades of daily use. The patina is uneven in only the most desirable way — concentrated where countless hands have rested in moments of arrival, departure, hesitation. Provenance: removed from a single-family residence prior to renovation; thence by descent through a private estate. Comparable lots have realized $40–$60 in recent New England sales. Estimate: $200–$300 (lot subject to reserve).
Acc. No. 2024.318.55